


maybe the ending does change

by ahomefordreams



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, autistic yuri because i said so, dw no death, i wrote this for the slightest bit of comfort in my own loneliness, monika is sick so. ed trigger warning, no beta we die like men, vent fic, yeah this might be too venty but go off
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28161897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahomefordreams/pseuds/ahomefordreams
Summary: started this as a vent fic and let's see how it goes! pretty much for when i'm feeling the most poetic. ddlc regular life au where no deletion occurs
Relationships: Monika/Sayori (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Natsuki/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 29
Kudos: 53





	1. glittering lights of the city pass

It's always the same ending. Even if it's expressed differently. 

Sayori sits on the roof, overlooking the city. The lights glitter off the windows and the water and all of the noise and the people blend together in a miraculous symphony of noise and light. Frankly, it's the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. And it's the perfect last vision before she inevitably leaves the roof. At least, that's what she tells herself will happen. She's been on this roof before, saw the same view before, and cursed herself for not being able to do it time and time again. She wanted to become one with the noise, she supposed. Just to return to dust and not have to live these superficial realities. 

She took a breath and got up. Everything around her truly was breathtakingly beautiful, more so than anything she had ever seen, and every time she got back up on the roof she saw it again and it always did the same thing to her, after she had seen it one or one hundred times. She had left her location on, at least so people could find her afterward. It was just a precaution, she needed to be remembered regardless of how she left. To be honest, it was astounding that she had made it quite this far even. She had even taken a little bottle of wine up to the roof so at least she could experience it, experience something before she was done. 

No matter how much she wanted to leave, there were things she wanted to do before she did so. 

But no matter how much she had planned out, no matter how much she had thought midnight thoughts and rethought after good times and confirmed after bad thoughts, she hadn't considered any interferences to her plan. She always figured no one would care quite enough to interfere and so she hadn't calculated that into her plan. That was why she didn't hear the faint footsteps coming up the stairs and coming up behind her, running. She didn't calculate in the figure running up to her as she finally took her steps up to the edge. And she definitely didn't anticipate a set of familiar hands catching her and pulling her back from the edge. 

She was pulled onto the main part of the roof. "What the fuck, who are you- " As she turned, she saw a girl's face, a little blurry from her own intoxication. A girl's.. oddly familiar face, with the brown ponytail and the beautiful, panicked green eyes. 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘬𝘢? 

"Please, Sayo, what's going on, I never meant for it to be this way-" Monika looked at her and it felt like the world was sideways. Monika, who she always thought had thought nothing of her, had just fucked up her plan? God damn it, she hadn't even considered that anyone would try to mess with her plan- She started to feel dizzy. 

"Monika-" Then everything was fading away, and all she was left with were the lights of the city and Monika's emerald eyes. 

The ending changed. Maybe our choices do have consequences in this simulation that we all live in.


	2. unknown place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sayori wakes up and there is a tough conversation to be had.

The city lights were glittering even in her dreams, torturing her with the fact that somehow, miraculously-not-miraculously, her dumbass had survived what was supposed to be a foolproof plan, just because she hadn't considered all factors. But what hadn't she considered? What had she forgotten? 

Sayori woke with a start, wondering where she was. Was she really still alive? She tried to remember, but all she remembered were lights and,, someone's brilliant green eyes. She realized she was on someone's couch? But not in her house, or even in her best friend's house. Ugh, did she remember to text him? She got up and started walking around. Had someone kidnapped her...? She almost ran into someone walking around the corner, and instinctively put her fists up, in case said person really had kidnapped her from a rooftop last night. "Hey, relax-" She heard a girl's voice say. The fear cooled a bit.

"Monika? Why am I here- Did I accidentally glitch into another reality? Am I dead?" The panic in her voice wasn't something she could control. 

Monika took a step toward her and raised up her hands to show that she wasn't any sort of threat to Sayori. "Hey. Sit down. We can talk about it, but I think right after you passed out, the couch is the best place for you to be. No offense." Sayori, still confused and a bit scared of why she was in what she had decided to assume was Monika's house, decided to just sit down. "Okay, let's start. First of all, I'm incredibly sure you aren't dead since I literally pulled you back from a rooftop last night, which we will have to talk about, by the way, and you also didn't glitch into another reality to the best of my knowledge." 

Sayori finally was able to release the panic she had been feeling since she woke up. "How did you find me? And I just have to verify, we're not in some random person's house, right?" 

Monika chuckled. "Sorry. I know this isn't the time to be laughing. But no, I didn't just break into someone's house with you while you were unconscious. And you had your location on, which seems a strange move for someone who's about to try to die," She gave her a quizzical look with that statement, then continued. "Sayori, I'm so worried about you. How long have you been thinking about this? Did you just intend on jumping off the roof or should I give you the benefit of the doubt and say you were going for some risky behavior while standing on the edge and stumbled? I really don't mean to pry but I need to know so you can be safe. After all, you mean so much to me. She took a breath and had an expression like she expected Sayori to explain. 

"Okay, first of all, too much at once. And second of all, why would you come after me?" 

"Sayori, you need to understand that we genuinely care about you so much." 

There was a problem with those words. The first bit being that she had already heard them so many times already that they had lost even the slightest semblance of anything real in them. They were just words at that point, which seemed cold and awful, but she had heard them enough times just from people trying to get her to stay for 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮. Only for them and their own gain of being able to ask her for help and vent to her and everything else, and just to use her as that happy friend who did all for nothing at all, all for everyone else. She was tired of doing it all for everyone, tired of not being able to say the words that mattered, tired of people not being able to even fathom that she was unhappy when all she had to live for had turned to dust and faded away in the end. 

She blinked back tears as she sat there, in front of someone who apparently wanted to 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 her, to make her feel all better now, probably so they didn't have to deal with her issues anymore. She should have just succeeded, as not to put so many issues on everyone else. "I'm fine. It's all fine." She turned away. 

"Sayo, you're not fine. You jumped. I know you jumped, because I found the page you had dedicated to everything online and where you chronicled everything," Sayori froze. Oh fuck. She had mentioned too much on there for Monika to know. Had she been one of the nameless followers that Sayori was so happy to get? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. She had talked about losing her friends to other people, and she was pretty sure she had mentioned some,, other things she had done that she might not want the entire school to know about. Monika saw her tense up. "I won't tell anyone at school, I promise. But you need to explain some things. And I'm sorry to spring this on you right while you're trying to recover from this, but the other club members are coming over. They apparently got texts from you saying you were going to do it." 

Oh no. She really had done it this time. Ruined everyone's life, hadn't she. Dumbass. This was such a stupid thing, she should have realized- "Fine. What do you want me to tell you?" She knew how out of character she was acting. Fuck. She had ruined her appearance in Monika's mind and now in the entire club's minds. Well, at least she couldn't make it much worse. 

"Just- how could you ever think that was a good idea? How could you ever think we didn't care for you?" Monika seemed distressed. 

Sayori sighed. "That's a complicated question. I thought you already read the equivalent of my diary, so you would know." She gave her a look, and Monika seemed a bit apologetic. 

"Okay. I will admit I didn't know it was yours at first. But the more I read into it, the more I realizd it echoed situations and events I had been there for, and filled in the rest. I didn't mean to invade your privacy, but come on! What would you have done if you found out one of your closest friends was going to go jump off a roof on a set date and that they had been thinking about it for god knows how long?" Monika was crying now, but Sayori was trying to keep her poker face as long as possible. She couldn't let Monika see more of the worst side of her. 

She slunk back into the seat. "I'm not angry with you, Monika. I can't be mad at anyone but myself for showing them my worst side. If I had just considered things correctly, none of this would have happened." Then Monika came over and she hugged her. Hugged Sayori, who had just ruined her life. It was almost funny in her mind, if it wasn't something she was amazed would ever actually happen. 

"I should get up and get you some food, but I don't want to leave you alone right now. Can you come with me?" Fuck it, she might as well. She wordlessly got up and followed Monika to the table, where she sat down. After a short while, the food was ready, and the two girls sat in silence, eating sandwiches at Monika's kitchen table. It was such a small thing after such an enormous thing happening, or rather failing to happen. "Just know that I... I care for you. I need you to be here. Okay?" Monika whispered. Sayori didn't have an answer to that. 

Then the doorbell rang. Saved by the bell? Not really. The rest of the club were finally here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! so i wrote this as a vent fic, so parts of this may be extremely emotionally heavy. i also don't know how my update schedule will be in the future, probably frequent in the next few weeks as i am on a break from school rn and i can write, but when i'm in school i'm not sure how frequent updates will come, so just a warning for the future. hope you have a good day after reading this, drink some water, eat something, and remember that you are loved.


	3. chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the literature club goes for a very short visit to sayori. yuri's day at school is fucking awful.

Yuri hated the chaos of it all. 

They walked in. Yuri had so many thoughts spinning through her head as she thought about what Sayori had done. Not that she hadn't considered it herself a few times, but she was completely serious and picked a date and jumped off the roof- she was in no way confused as to how someone could feel that way but she was wondering what exactly sent Sayori over that edge? She genuinely seemed so happy and like she had the perfect life. Shit. When she walked in, she saw Sayori sitting on the couch, leaning against the side, in the middle of the room. The peach-haired girl looked so unhappy, and it looked like she was going to break for the window the next opportunity she got. 

She heard Natsuki speak from next to her. "What the fuck were you thinking? I- I don't even know what to say to you right now." Great. Now they're guilt tripping her. Yuri was messing with her hair silently, trying to think of something to say about this. She may have secrets too, but she had never genuinely tried this. 

"Sayori - we- we were really concerned about you. I don't need you to relive the whole thing just to explain to m-me, but please try to stop or at least try to g-get help with whatever made you do it-" She started, but she didn't know how to continue. She just sat in silence. Why did she have to even fuck up talking to someone who had just tried to kill herself? Sayori still sat there in silence.

"I'm trying to figure it out. But it doesn't really make me happy that you guys just learned of the worst of me and that I just ruined your life like this. I should have just suffered through it and kept it to myself." Sayori vented, then slunk back down into the seat. They were met with apologetic glances from Monika. Yuri hated that apologetic glance. It may not have been directed at her this time, but she too saw that glance from her friends, her family, to anyone and everyone who was around for behaving "like she's one of those crazy people" or behaving irrationally, or being too much, especially when she was just not doing anything. She was just living her life. Fuck. She wished she had brought something to fidget with, because she was going to accidentally rip her hair out if she kept doing this to it. A few moments passed. "I'm fine. I just need some time, okay? Some time to be better." Sayori finished with a sigh. In the next few minutes, they were leaving, and she supposed that Monika was probably trying to get Sayori help, but she wanted Sayori to know that at least she wasn't completely alone in this existence. 

𝘠𝘶𝘳𝘪 : 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵. 𝘐'𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦. 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭. 𝘞𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦.

Sent. She knew that wouldn't really help when she was being realistic, but it made her feel a bit better that she had just sent out words to Sayori. As she walked home, she really thought about everything. About her place in the world, and her own peculiarities. She didn't seem to think the same as the rest of them, saying as she knew how Sayori had thought, but she also was very different from them overall. Ugh. She wished she could just get home and put on a short sleeve shirt as the fabric of her sleeves was too much and it was irritating, but she had to get all the way home first. And of course she couldn't just wear a short sleeve shirt to see Sayori and Monika, as it was not only freezing outside but her arms were not a sight to be seen by her friends at the current moment. 

As soon as she got home, she opened the door, slammed it behind her, ripped off the offending shirt, and picked out a new one. She lived alone, so she had no risk of walking around with short sleeves as long as family wasn't coming over. After doing all of her necessary tasks that she had in a list near the front door (her afternoon routine) she finally went to her room and got her book. She had left off on an important note, and if not for Natsuki calling and calling that morning, she probably wouldn't have been able to get out of it. She read for a while, got up and made herself food, then decided to take a break from the book as she never would have been able to go to bed if she had read the book as she would have had to finish it. 

She browsed online for a while until she came to a great fanmade video. She watched it probably five times, growing increasingly more excited. Her hands flapped, she didn't find herself confined since no one was there but her. She was fine to be excited and happy and everything else. That excited feeling lasted for the rest of the day until she went to bed somehow. She found herself in a dreamless sleep. 

She woke up the next day to her alarm, remembering that this was Monday, after all. Great. Another day at a school she is only motivated to go to for the literature club after school. She sighed and got ready, showering, dressing in her uniform. She had to fix her buttons, pack her bag, pack her lunch, following her usual routine to go to school. She then waited for the bus outside her home. 

Yuri waited at the bus stop with groups of students playing around and joking to each other, but she was in a decent mood today. She turned on her favorite music and tried to tune out the loud noise when she got on the bus, though the bus driver honked his horn once and she still clamped her hands over her ears despite the earbuds in. That was one of the things about her that some of her friends often asked her about and got confused about. She hated loud noises. Not just hated. They hurt her. She wished she could wear constant noise cancelling headphones, really, but whenever she mentioned the prospect to her father (who was always on business and never was really around) he always scoffed and just said life was like that. She didn't really understand why she had to suffer for the sake of having "life just be like that" and having to "just suck it up and be like everyone else, just deal with it," but she wasn't able to do anything to help herself without parental consent anyways. 

School wasn't the difficult part. Everything else about it was. She was hoping to see the entire literature club today, but she wasn't sure if they would all be there after the events of last weekend. She attempted to shrug off her worries, but she ended up having to do her routine of counting and recounting to try to make everything okay. Everything would be okay, everything would be okay. An unexpected fire drill later in the day dampened her mood, though, with the screaming alarm echoing in her head and later being made fun of through most of her classes for the way she had covered her ears so much. 

More unfortunate events piled up on top of each other, leading to a climax when she was on the bus later. Two boys decided to not only bully her on the bus, but follow her a few blocks towards home, even shoving her and yelling at her. And even more, her shirt was getting to be uncomfortable on her skin and her headphones weren't on and they were yelling and they were 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳 and it all got to being too much leading to her running into her house and immediately sitting on the floor curled into a ball, hitting her head with both hands and trying not to scream so the neighbors didn't call the police on her and she didn't get murdered and it all was too much, the thoughts spinning and spinning in her head and she was yelling anyway. And she hated, hated, hated this feeling and she wanted to be done but she couldn't control herself anymore. 

And ultimately, the chaos did her in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't come for me PLEASE this completely is based off of my own experiences and i heavily projected them onto yuri. enjoy my garbage writing. <3


	4. notes and details

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuri pov again and some things are thought about. idk how to summarize anything lolz enjoy

Yuri woke up, again, laying on her floor. Goddamn it, another day at school. After the awfulness of yesterday, she never wanted to go again. But if she didn't go, her father would be told by the school, and he would come home and yell at her and ask her why the hell she wasn't in school, and he just wouldn't get what had happened. He would say she had just had a tantrum like a child, and suggest that Yuri should grow up and stop getting so upset over the smallest things, and she just couldn't have that happen. 

She woke up, did the same routine as the day before, but this time she texted Natsuki. 

𝙔𝙪𝙧𝙞 : 𝘾𝙖𝙣 𝙄 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙖𝙨𝙠 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙤 𝙬𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙤𝙡 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮? 

𝙉𝙖𝙩𝙨𝙪𝙠𝙞 : 𝙒𝙝𝙮? 𝘿𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙗𝙪𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙤𝙣? 𝙄'𝙢 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙬𝙖𝙮. 

𝙔𝙪𝙧𝙞 : 𝙋𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚, 𝙄 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙖 𝙙𝙞𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙨𝙤 𝙞𝙩'𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙨𝙤 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙬𝙖𝙮-

𝙉𝙖𝙩𝙨𝙪𝙠𝙞 : 𝙐𝙜𝙝, 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙚. 𝘿𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙜𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚. 𝙄'𝙡𝙡 𝙗𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙛𝙚𝙬 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙩𝙚𝙨.

She finished getting everything ready, then waited outside her house. After about fifteen minutes (which definitely does not fit with the definition of "a few") Natsuki was there. Yuri wanted to ask why she took longer to get there than she had said she was going to be, but she decided against it as usually people got mad at her when she asked an honest question like that. "Ready to go?" Natsuki asked, a bit impatiently. 

"Y-yes." The two girls walked in almost silence to school. Yuri couldn't help but notice how Natsuki almost had patches of makeup on her neck that was like she was trying to imitate the regular color of her skin, like she was trying to cover up marks. She also noticed how Natsuki appeared to walk with a small limp, almost one that was hard to notice if you weren't looking closely. Yuri noticed a lot of details about people, but these seemed extremely off, like what marks was Natsuki trying to hide? Why would she have to? It confused and concerned Yuri a little bit, but she didn't say anything. 

"What are you staring at?" Natsuki demanded.

"I wasn't staring- Or at least I didn't mean to-" Yuri stammered. Natsuki rolled her eyes. 

"Whatever. I know, I'm cute, right?" Natsuki said with a smirk. Yuri blushed crimson. Natsuki may be cute, but she wasn't staring at her in 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘢𝘺- "Must have really caught you on that one, your face is so red right now-" Natsuki snickered and Yuri continued to blush in embarrassment. 

"That wasn't- I wasn't-" 

"Yuri, it was a joke. I was joking." Natsuki said, no longer smiling. "Jeez, it's fine." They continued to walk awkwardly until they got to school, where Yuri and Natsuki headed off to their separate classrooms. Yuri went up a flight of stairs, then into her classes. She took notes, but she couldn't really focus on anything, she kept thinking about everything that was going on. What was going on with Natsuki? And was Sayori okay after what had happened only a few days ago, but what seemed like forever ago after everything else that had happened in between there and here? Ugh. She was confused. And when class finished and the bell rang for lunch, instead of going to face her classmates again and likely get bullied, she headed to the library. 

She walked in and stood in between the stacks. She stood there, fiddling with the rings on her fingers while she looked through the shelves. She pulled a horror novel off the shelf, having read it before but knowing that she needed something to do so she would read it again. But when she opened the cover of the book, something was different. Someone had left what looked like a bookmark in there, but it had a note written on it. And it seemed like the note was written for her to find. It read, "𝚃𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛, 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚖𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔. 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜. 𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞? 𝚆𝚑𝚘 𝚏𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎 𝚋𝚒𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍? 𝙻𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚕𝚢 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚔, 𝙸'𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝." Yuri had never found anything like this before, and she decided to take the book home and ponder what to write in the note she would return. 

The bell signaling the end of lunch rang, and Yuri ran back to her classroom, forgetting that she hadn't even eaten lunch amid her fascination with her discovery. The rest of the school day wasn't very unique, with Yuri folding her pieces of notebook paper during class into little shapes, folding one into the tiniest triangles that were physically possible, and she was relieved when the school bell rang at the end of the day to be done with the classes. She went downstairs to the literature club. 

She walked into the literature club, and to her surprise, saw Sayori and Monika. Natsuki was yet to arrive. Monika was in the back of the club, and she appeared to be studying for some kind of quiz so Yuri decided not to bother her. Sayori was just sitting on a desk in the front looking bored. Yuri walked over to Sayori, and sat on a desk next to her. They just sat in silence for a moment, then Yuri passed a note over to Sayori. Her and Sayori had this thing that they used to do in their classes together, and that now they would just do in the club when no one was watching, where they would just have conversations on notes. 

Yuri : Hello. You're back already?  
Sayori : Yeah, I can't really miss much school because I'm already hardly passing half my classes :/  
Yuri : Oh.   
Sayori : Yeah  
Yuri : Hey, I had a question to ask you. May I proceed?   
Sayori : Yeah, sure  
Yuri : Do you know why Natsuki has makeup on spots on her neck as if she is hiding marks?  
Sayori : What,,, no, I didn't even notice makeup on her neck. It's probably fine, I'll ask her about it if you want  
Yuri : I don't know, I don't know what to do about it. 

Just then, Natsuki walked in. Yuri threw the note into her backpack. The club meeting would begin. Club time went as normal, they all read and then at the end they discussed their books. Yuri had to talk about a different book than the one she was currently reading, because whenever she talked about the one she was currently reading, she would get too excited, and everyone would think she was weird and annoying, as her classmates did whenever she got too excited during a presentation about the things she enjoyed. So she had just learned to control what topics she would mention, so she didn't end up making herself look weird and having everyone else judge her and bully her and get mad at her. And after the club meeting, her and Natsuki walked home from school in silence. But this time, the silence between them was different, it was almost a silence that was loaded with emotions and thoughts and neither of them wanted to say anything. 

Yuri got home thinking about writing a note back to the mysterious writer who left their note in the book. But she didn't quite know what to say. Finally, she decided upon writing this : "𝓜𝔂 𝓷𝓪𝓶𝓮 𝓲𝓼 𝓨𝓾𝓻𝓲. 𝓘'𝓶 𝓲𝓷 𝓒𝓵𝓪𝓼𝓼 𝓣𝓱𝓻𝓮𝓮. 𝓦𝓱𝓸 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾?" She supposed that would answer their question, and her curiosity about who it was continued to plague her until she had made a plan to drop the book off with her note in it the next day. She had so many questions and thoughts about the day. She wondered about Natsuki, and she wondered about the mysterious writer, and she wondered about more and more as the day drew to its close. Well, maybe some of the questions would be answered tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me so long to post,,, but did you like it? leave your feedback in the comments. i tried to develop natsuki a bit more but it was kinda difficult as i don't quite know what to do with her yet. thoughts?


	5. cherry blossom conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuri talks to people. that's it, that's the chapter. but seriously i'm so thankful for all your support and i want to continue this fic, it's just difficult to write because i'm doing school as well and i have to study and all that. anyways, enjoy!

Yuri woke up bursting with excitement. She couldn't wait to see who had left the note in the book, and maybe she would meet even more fans of the books she loved- Wait, she shouldn't go overboard- What if it was all a trick? What if they had just wanted to mess with her? She had, unfortunately, not been very discreet with her love of horror books in the past, and she wouldn't put it past the other kids at her school to mess with her again. She sighed, her bright mood being slightly dampened by that thought. Ah, well. She had to get ready for school. 

As she was getting ready, she let her mind wander. She remembered an incident that had happened when she was young, when she was still bright-eyed and still thought people wanted to hear what she had to say. She had just checked out a book of scary stories from the library, and she had walked into school holding her head high, excited to tell people about such an interesting book. The teacher had asked them if anyone wanted to show and tell something they liked or something they thought was cool that had happened to them. Yuri immediately had raised her hand. She had been called on and excitedly headed to the front of the classroom. She told them about the book and how excited she was about it, and she didn't leave out a single detail. She didn't realize she had talked for a long time, she didn't realize that the other kids were glaring at her, not caring about what she had to say, just caring that she was 𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘥, just caring that she was the freak. After she had talked, after class, when the teacher dismissed them, the other kids were waiting outside for Yuri. It had started with them calling her a freak, and ended up with this. The next little while.. didn't go well. That may have been the first time Yuri went home with bruises, but it wouldn't be the last. Soon, the bullying would become a constant, until she learned to hide what a 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘥𝘰 and a 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 she was. She sighed as she finished getting ready and tried to will herself to think about something better. 

It couldn't happen anymore. She was too good at camouflaging herself this time. Right? She sighed, got her stuff, and walked to school. Natsuki hadn't answered her text that morning to walk with her, so she had to go alone this time. She checked the date on her phone. It was only Wednesday? Goddamn it, it felt like it should be the end of the year with the amount of absolute shit she had dealt with in the last week. She soon arrived at school. The first thing she did was rush to the library and return the book with her note in it. She was almost late to class, but she didn't care. She was so excited to see how they would respond. The rest of the day went mainly in a blur, up until the end of the day. She had run to the library to find the book. It had another note in it. The note read, "𝕎𝕖𝕝𝕝, 𝕠𝕜𝕒𝕪. 𝕄𝕖𝕖𝕥 𝕞𝕖 𝕓𝕖𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕔𝕙𝕠𝕠𝕝 𝕥𝕠𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕠𝕨 𝕒𝕥 𝟜." She thought about it, and quickly decided to do it. It was one of her chances to make more friends. She loved the literature club, but she needed some friends, right? 

She went to the club meeting after that. When she walked in the door, she was surprised to see Monika, Sayori and Natsuki sitting there, instead of the usual nothingness that had been there in the last two days. Ah shit, she had forgotten. It was poem day. She had to share a poem. She hadn't written one in all that had happened, she had just been trying to kind of survive over the last few days. Whatever, she could figure it out. When she walked in, nobody seemed to have one.   
to wr  
There was silence for a moment as they all saw the announcement reading, "Poem Day" on the whiteboard. 

"Well, I'm going to admit it. I have written approximately nothing in the last few days." Sayori cracked a smile, and it was a bit less awkward. They all relaxed. 

"Oh, thank god. I thought I was the only one who had been too concerned by people almost 𝘥𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 to prioritize writing a poem." Natsuki replied. The atmosphere was a little bit better, almost. It had fixed some of the tenseness of it all. 

"You know what? It's obvious none of us have a poem to share, so I have an idea. Since it IS spring, maybe we can go on a walk. It will be good for all of us to get some fresh air." Monika said. 

"That's a great idea, Moni!" Sayori beamed. Monika smiled back, though there was still a bit of worry in her eyes. Yuri understood why, but still wondered what had gone on between them. She knew it was none of her business, but she wondered what had happened in Monika's house, what had been talked about. Really, she wanted to know so she could care for her friends, but she felt it was prying to ask, so she would keep quiet about it all. 

Soon, they had all packed up their bags and were ready to go. They headed out of the school, and ended up walking along the riverside of the city. The cherry blossoms were in full bloom, and the beautiful petals with their rich dark pink color mesmerized Yuri. She saw them every single year, but they were still so stunning every time she saw them again. Natsuki and Sayori had started chattering together ahead on the path, leaving Yuri behind with Monika. 

"What's going on, Yuri? You seem, how should I say it, deep in thought." Monika gave her a small smile. The brown-haired girl seemed genuinely curious about what Yuri had to say. 

"H-huh? Do you actually want to hear about it?" Yuri was a bit stunned that someone that intelligent and such a leader and so pretty could talk to her. But she thought about it. Monika was so nice, she had always wanted to talk to her, but she had seemed too out of reach. 

"Of course I do. Yuri, you're my club mate, and most importantly, my friend." Monika still smiled. "Plus, without your input, we'd lose the one person who was actually interested in literature." She teased. Yuri had no idea Monika actually thought of her that way. Whoa. Holy shit. 

"U-um- So there's this book-" Yuri started. Monika looked at her to see if she was going to keep going, but she didn't force Yuri to make eye contact. She seemed like she was giving Yuri a chance to get herself together, and that she wanted to hear about it, but that she wasn't going to force her. It was, to put it simply, an amazing vibe. She told Monika about the book she had been reading, every detail. And Monika seemed,, interested? 

"Whoa. That sounds really cool, Yuri. Maybe I 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 start reading horror novels, with how amazing you make them sound when you talk about them." She laughed, but it was a light laugh, like for once someone wasn't laughing at Yuri when she explained. Yuri began to laugh as well, and for once someone was laughing with her, not at her. It was like a perfect harmony, and it seemed like Monika understood. 

"Hey, Monika-" Yuri said, not sure if she should continue. 

"Yeah?" 

"You don't think I'm weird? Like, you don't think that was weird?" 

Monika thought for a moment. Oh shit. Yuri took a breath. How could she be so annoying, why did she always have to ask stupid questions like that, why did she always have to check if everyone liked her, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶- "No, I don't think you're weird. I think you're different, and that's what makes it interesting. I can tell you really like these books, and that you're genuine. Why do you ask? I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't like you." Monika's eyes had a bit of surprise and a bit more concern in them. 

"Oh, I don't know- I'm sorry if I was being weird, Monika- I don't mean to be weird about this-" Yuri stumbled over her words, fully aware that 𝘺𝘦𝘴, 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘬𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘥, and she might make her mad if she kept it up- 

"No, Yuri. You're fine, don't worry about it. I thought it was really cool that you were so passionate about it, that's it." Monika seemed fully genuine, even the vibe seemed so light. Yuri couldn't believe someone as amazing as Monika could tolerate her and be so understanding and even go to compliment her- Holy shit. 

"Oh. Thank you." Yuri didn't really know what to say. She didn't really know how to accept compliments, so she was nervous as she said it. Monika smiled at her. "

"Come on, let's catch up with Sayori and Natsuki. It's getting later, and we should all be getting home." Her and Monika walked up to join the group, and soon they were all going their separate ways to go home. That had been good, she thought. She still couldn't believe that someone as popular and smart as Monika had tolerated her, even listened to her and complimented her. And she had almost forgotten about the letter in the book. She had to be there at 4 tomorrow. Maybe she would meet someone who was just as interested as her. She tried not to think about what else could possibly come out of meeting a random person behind the school at 4 o'clock tomorrow. Maybe she should bring a friend- NO. They would just think she was a baby who couldn't socialize by herself and nothing good could come out of that. 

She did her homework, wrote her poem for the following week, and ate dinner, which was pasta more and more lately. Whatever. It was easy to make, and she liked it. And, at the end of the day, she played some music, read her book, polished her knife collection, and went to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you like it? i hope you liked it. i think the last update might have been on my birthday LMAO so sorry for the two week gap, i'm getting used to being at school again. anyways, what do you think about the note, any feedback on the story, any theories? thanks for the support! :]


	6. cherry blossom conversations (monika pov)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hiii i was starved for things to write about so i decided to continue to vent through a character, as you do /j 
> 
> but seriously i base too much of yuri off myself and idk how its even still decent lol 
> 
> anyways this is the previous day from moni's perspective since i needed something to do 
> 
> TW FOR EATING DISORDERS!!

Monika woke up with a start. Ah shit. Her alarm had been ringing for a solid five minutes, she was sure of it. She had to get up. She scrambled out of bed and had to get ready. She wasn't sure if Sayori would be at school, honestly, she had been scared to leave her alone to begin with, but Sayori had insisted she would be fine going back to her house and she had insisted on going to school. She said continuing with her normal life would be better for her, which Monika deeply doubted, but she had let Sayori go on the premise that she would walk to school with her today. Monika quickly took a shower, threw on her uniform and brushed her teeth. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge as she headed out the door, backpack on and uniform and hair perfect. Perfect. 

As she walked to Sayori's house, she looked for flaws in her looks and even her plan. She knew there were none, as she planned so much there couldn't possibly be anything remaining that wasn't absolutely perfect to a tee, but she couldn't say that she didn't want the satisfaction of fixing a flaw. As she got there, Sayori was outside waiting. This was surprising, as Sayori usually was unable to get up this early, due to reasons Monika had recently learned. But there she was, awake and ready. She couldn't help but be impressed, but at the same time wondered how much Sayori was forcing herself to do in order to prove to everyone that she was okay. Hm. 

"Hey, Moni!" Sayori yelled with a smile as Sayori walked up. Monika smiled back at her. 

"Hi, Sayo." 

Sayori looked at Monika up and down. "Are you sure it wasn't too much to wake up and come over here? I don't want to cause you any trouble at all. Were you able to get ready, did you have breakfast?" Monika thought it was interesting that Sayori cared so much about how other people were doing when she was doing so badly herself, literally days after trying to,, well, die. 

"Um. Yes." This was a lie, obviously. Monika didn't even think about going to eat breakfast these days. Not only did she not have the time to do so, but she wouldn't even be able to do it. She had to keep herself perfect, in more ways than you would think. So no, she had not had breakfast. But Sayori didn't need to know that. She should focus on healing and trying to be able to do better after her incident. Monika was fine, obviously, but she didn't need Sayori worried since for some weirdass fucking reason people tended to freak out when you skipped breakfast. 

"Okay! We should go then, I don't want you to be late because of me." said Sayori, who was clearly very sunshiney this morning. They walked to school in what was a decent, comfortable silence. It was relatively warm for a spring day, and the sky was remarkably blue. It was overall a beautiful day, and Monika considered skipping school to just go hand out at the park. But she quickly banished the notion from her head. She had missed enough school, and she would most likely have a ridiculous amount of make-up work to do. She needed to keep her grades high, so she could get into university. She wasn't good for anything if she couldn't be perfect, or at least as close to it as possible. When they got to school, she said goodbye to Sayori, and headed to class. She went to class, getting more make-up work for each class, which she would have to probably pull an all-nighter to finish at this rate. But if she had to do it, she had to do it. 

Soon, it was lunch. She looked for Sayori in the lunchroom. Monika didn't have a lunch, as expected, but she always brought Sayori a cookie. She even got them from a special store outside of the school because Sayori loved them so much, and she loved Sayori. More than anyone could possibly expect. She slid into the seat at the lunch table, and Sayori greeted her with a smile. She then pulled the cookie out of her bag, and Sayori pretended to be surprised, as Monika knew she was. It was a comfortable type of ritual though. Monika got Sayori the cookies she loved so much, and Sayori pretended to be surprised at the fact that Monika had gotten her the cookies again. But she did know Sayori liked them. "Hey, Moni?" Sayori asked. Monika turned her head. 

"Yeah?"

"Why do you not have a lunch? If it's a money problem, I can buy you one, I'm sure I owe you enough for all of those cookies." Sayori laughed, but she seemed concerned that it was a money problem. 

"No. It's fine, I have enough money, Sayo. I'm just not really hungry today." She knew she always used that excuse, and she couldn't believe Sayori hadn't decided to call her out on always miraculously not being hungry when they got to the lunchroom. 

Sayori gave Monika a long look, then handed her a peach out of her own lunchbox. "Here. At least have this. I don't want you to be hungry all day, Moni. Even if you're not hungry now, that might change later and I want only the best for my Monika!" She smiled at the end of that, but Monika could see the concern. Fuck. She needed to focus on getting better, not be concerned about Monika since she was fine. She didn't need to worry about someone who was perfectly okay when she had more important things to worry about. She really didn't want the peach, but since Sayori was sitting right there, she didn't have another option that she could take. Goddamn it. She had to will herself to do it. DO IT!! Sayori's worried about you, make her stop worrying about you. Just eat the goddamn peach. Then she can focus on herself and stop worrying about you. Monika had almost brought herself to the point of tears, but she had eaten the whole peach by the end of the lunch period. 

"See, Sayo. I'm fine. Don't worry about me!" Monika smiled a light smile, but the worries that Sayori would be concerned about her remained in her head, as well as the numbers for the peach. Sayori smiled back, and held her hand under the lunch table until they were dismissed. They went back to classes in the afternoon, then Monika went to the club meeting. She was the first person in the club room, as usual, and she wrote on the whiteboard that it was poem day today. She didn't have a poem, but she was hoping she could get other people to share. Maybe she could write one before they showed up. But she quickly abandoned that notion when they got there relatively quickly. 

Soon, it became evident that none of them had written poems. Oh, thank god. She had thought she was the only one who was unable to write a poem with everything that had happened. But she suggested going on a walk, and they all seemed to like it. She had really wanted to see the cherry blossom trees, as she hadn't gotten to go by the riverside yet this year, but she also needed some exercise. She hadn't gotten any today, apart from the walk to school. And it seemed like it would be a good way to catch up with everyone and maybe it would be good for the rest of them as well. They seemed like they needed a bit of fresh air and a bit of an escape from their problems after the past week's events. Soon, they were there. The cherry blossom petals were drifting down towards them on the wind, and the air was fresh and warm. It was incredible, and Monika was happy she had tried to see it this spring. 

Soon, Sayori and Natsuki had ventured further up the path and were talking. Maybe this would be good for Sayori. She felt bad about thinking like this, as Sayori was the same age as her and didn't necessarily need a caretaker, but she just couldn't help it. She always had felt inclined to help people that needed it. That's why she had also been a bit concerned about Natsuki lately, as she had seen some makeup in weird places on her neck. At first, she had just thought she had finally spent the proper time with Yuri. After months of waiting for two people to notice that they liked each other, it seemed like it would never happen. But it turns out that wasn't what had happened. And Monika noticed it, after walking home with Natsuki a few times, that she dumped Monika off a few blocks from her house. And that was no accident. She had suspicions about bad things going on in Natsuki's home. But she hadn't decided on what to do yet. 

But now she was on the trail by the riverside with Yuri. And she noticed that Yuri seemed to be thinking about something. So she asked. And Yuri answered. It turns out Yuri was much more passionate about her books than Monika had previously thought. She made the books sound so beautiful and so cool, and she told Yuri as much. Yuri, as it turned out, had thought that Monika disliked her or something. Monika was surprised. She thought she had showed how interested she was in Yuri's thoughts. Yuri had always seemed quiet, and often the quiet ones had a lot to say. So she had asked. And she wasn't quite sure why Yuri had thought that Monika would think she was weird for explaining what she was thinking. But she thought it was interesting, anyways. That was a good talk with her. She really did need to get home and do all of her make-up work for the days she hadn't been at school. 

Eventually when they all departed from each other, Monika went home and immediately made a recipe she had found on Twitter. (It was a guilty pleasure of hers to go on certain tags and find recipes she wasn't afraid of. Ah, well, at least she was eating. Whatever.) Then she sat down to do the make-up work. It took her hours to do. She didn't have to pull an all-nighter, but she went to bed at 3 in the morning. And she had to wake up at 5:30 the next day. So, things may not have been great, but she had gotten more sleep than she thought. There were so many things she wondered about, but she had to wait until morning to solve any of them. Curious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. so i know i took a different take on monika. but i am venting through her mainly in this as i'm trying to get better with my own self destructive habits and it's difficult. anyways, i hope anyone that's reading this is having a good day, and that you're drinking lots of water and eating well and getting lots of sleep. thank you.


	7. cameras and pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well this is a hell of a chapter. i wrote it a slight bit longer than usual because I had a lot to say here

Yuri woke up excited yet again. That had become a theme since she had seen the first note arrive. She was happy, if not a little nervous about the meetup that she was going to go to later. She got up and got ready, with a new sense of confidence that she had no idea where it arrived from. She even had woken up early, though she admittedly hadn't gotten much sleep between the normal stuff that she had to do and her excitement about today. Since she woke up early, she dealt with the rare luxury of having extra time, and she got to savor the time to have breakfast. The sunrise, and then the first beams of sunlight shined through her window. It was a gentle beginning to a beautiful spring day. She didn't remember having a day like this since, well.. she didn't remember having a day like this ever. it was one-of-a-kind in its beauty, and she appreciated it and soaked it in while she could. 

Soon, she had to go to school, much to her disappointment. She would much rather continue to sit there in the sunlight, but her father had always said her education was important. So she sighed, and walked out the door. Natsuki would be walking with her today. She waited, and after a few moments, the pink-haired girl arrived. "You ready to go?" Natsuki called to her. 

Yuri walked up to her. "Hello." 

"Hi, Yuri." Natsuki had her usual air of irritation, but there was almost a smile breaking under it. She seemed almost.. happy to see Yuri? When had Natsuki become so fond of her? They walked to school. The weather was a bit colder than yesterday, but still overall a pleasant spring day. As they passed the houses, the flowers were blooming in everyone's gardens. Yuri didn't know the names of any of the flowers. She wondered if Natsuki noticed how beautiful the day was too, but Natsuki seemed more in her head than anything else. They got to school relatively fast, and went their separate ways. Yuri had more work to do in all of her morning classes, which made her very thankful she was able to get all of her homework done the day before. 

Soon lunch came, and Yuri had a different lunch that day, one with none of her friends in it. She sighed and headed to the library again. She knew there was no new note, but she walked up to the horror section and checked anyway. She found a book, and read for the entire lunch break. She had been doing this a lot lately, as she liked putting herself into fictional worlds. They were so scripted, so different, so much easier than real life. Real life had too many variables and too many different scenarios for Yuri to get sometimes. Also, the library was quiet, and the back was lit by mostly soft string lights. All of the librarians knew Yuri as well, which made it easier to just go into a quiet space and read without people bothering her. 

This time, she found herself thinking about an interaction she had with her father a few weeks back. She had been asking him about how she could make school easier, as that day had been a bit difficult for her with the bright lights at school. She remembered asking him how she could fix it, and she remembered him snorting and telling her to just deal with it. She needed to just deal with it, because the real world would make no exceptions for people just being sensitive, he had said. She remembered thinking it was something more than just being sensitive, but didn't say anything to her father. It was so much more than just being sensitive about it, the lights hurt her eyes and she couldn't even think when everything was like that. But she had to drop it or he would get angry at her, and she hated when people were angry about her. It was like the entire room, the entire building was filled with awful energy when people were mad. 

Soon, lunch was over, and Yuri was going into her afternoon classes. In comparison with her morning classes, she had very little homework for these. They were less work, she supposed. This was probably due to the fact that she was in advanced classes in the morning, like her English and math classes. She got through the afternoon classes relatively easily, she even got to read her book a lot during the classes since there was a lot of open space. 

Soon she was going to the literature club meeting, and again everyone was there. She didn't know why she was surprised Sayori was there again when she was there yesterday. She supposed she was just surprised Sayori had decided to go to school right after such a huge event, but the other girl seemed to think it wasn't a big thing at all. She might have been pretending to be fine, but she could have tricked Yuri if she hadn't known about what had happened. Today they just seemed to be hanging out and talking, which was fine with Yuri. Maybe she even would be able to make tea, since the teachers did let her keep her tea set in the room for meetings. Everything was very calm, which surprised Yuri. Everything was very weird and surprising lately, but maybe she just had expected everything to have changed more after such a huge thing changing everything the past week. 

She made tea, and everyone mostly hung out and talked until class was over. Natsuki did some pretty anime drawings on the whiteboard at the front of the class. Yuri never knew Natsuki had that much artistic talent. She seemed to be really good at drawing the characters from her favorite mangas. Hm. You really do learn new things about people every day. The meeting was over in what seemed like a flash, since it had been fun. Sometimes on the days when Yuri had to read a poem out load to the club, it seemed like it took a century. When she left the school, she realized she had to go meet up with the person who had written the note to her. She was brimming with excitement as she walked around the school to the spot where they were supposed to meet. 

She turned the corner, and someone was filming her. 

There were so many people, about ten people behind the school. And she recognized them all as the girls who used to bully her. She thought they would leave her alone. Why were they there? Then one of them spoke. An auburn-haired girl in front of Yuri. "Holy shit, she actually fell for it. You owe me ten bucks!" she yelled to someone in the back of the crowd. What the 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 was going on? Did they all come here just to mess with her again?

They were all laughing, yelling and teasing Yuri for even 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘦r. She was getting more and more upset, and they were getting louder and louder. Surely, there must still be a teacher in the school that would come out and help her? But after a few moments, she realized no one was coming. Her eyes brimmed with tears, and she was about to just try to run and hope that they wouldn't try to chase her all the way home like they had when she was younger. Then she heard a loud voice piping through the crowd. 

"What the hell are you assholes doing?" It was a high voice that Yuri immediately recognized. She turned around and saw Natsuki standing right there. 

The girl who had spoke first smirked. "Is this your little girlfriend, Yuri?" Yuri didn't know how to respond but flushed.

"Hey, bitch, don't talk to her like that! Cmon, Yuri! We need to go!" Natsuki grabbed Yuri's hand and started leading her around the school back to the main road. 

"Yeah, run away like you always do!" the girl yelled back. What happened next could best be described as chaotic. Natsuki let go of Yuri's hand, whispering, 𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦. Yuri nodded. Natsuki stormed up to her. 

"The fuck did you just say?" the petite girl demanded. 

"I was just telling your girlfriend that she's a r-" Then Natsuki punched her. Yuri, in all her years at public school, had seen fights. But the way the girl crumpled back wasn't what she had expected. It was interesting. But she couldn't stop. Natsuki was running, so she should be, too. Once they got to the main road, they took a moment to catch their breath. 

Yuri couldn't comprehend what had just happened. Then Natsuki sat up. "Care to explain what the hell just happened?" She had a glare on her face, but in her eyes Yuri saw concern. Yuri took a few breaths, and tried to will herself to talk. But something was jumbled in Yuri's head. Natsuki sighed, seeing that Yuri needed a second. "Cmon, let's get to your house, and then you can explain." They walked all the way to Yuri's house. She couldn't see all of the beautiful details this time, she was too distracted by trying to get her thoughts in order. When they got to her house, Natsuki sat down on the couch and Yuri paced around. "Okay. Now, what happened?"

"They've-they've been doing this stuff since I was little, it's no big deal, really- Thank you for helping me but you didn't have to r-risk yourself in such a way." Yuri was stumbling over her words. Natsuki raised her eyebrows. 

"If it was nothing, why were they all so vicious? Yuri. What the hell is going on? Please." It was the first time Natsuki hadn't put on a mask, so to speak , in her voice. She was saying what she really meant. And what was under that mask was her unfiltered concern for Yuri.

"I-I don't know- They just think I'm weird for some reason- That's why they've been doing this." Yuri finally got down to it, because at the root, she didn't really know why. They had thought she was weird since she was little when she was being too genuine and too much. "And I-I am weird- So I suppose maybe this is my punishment for being weird-" Natsuki had an entirely different look in her eyes. 

"So they've been doing this stupid shit since you were little for no reason? Because you were 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘥? Yuri, why didn't you ever ask for help? I would have tried to help you earlier. Even if you are one of the stranger people I know- I would have helped you." Natsuki had never seemed that raw to Yuri. Holy shit, why did she care so much about this? "Yuri, I- I care about you." By then, Yuri had stopped pacing and stood by the edge of the couch where Natsuki was sitting. And then Natsuki had pulled her in and she was kissing her, and she didn't know that that might have been what she had always wanted. Holy fuck. 

"Oh- What- Natsuki-" Yuri said. She was flushed, and so was Natsuki. She was at a loss for words. 

"Oh shit- I'm sorry. I have to go. It's kind of late." Natsuki apologized profusely, grabbing up her things. "But I'll see you tomorrow. Please be okay today. Bye." Natsuki had left in a whirlwind and Yuri had no idea what to do. What a day. The chaos had come back. But maybe some chaos was good. Certainly if it included Natsuki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! i am aware that someone in the comments predicted part of this chapter before it happened, lol. yes, your theory was correct. i wish i had someone like nats to save me all the time lmao. i know this was incredibly chaotic. also, i'm uploading a lot this weekend sorry. feedback? comments? please tell me what you think about it all


	8. swaying in the wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh so this chapter is a lot so. sorry about that. also i really struggle to get into natsuki's brain so any constructive criticism about that is welcomed lol.

Natsuki woke up in her school clothes. She had snuck back into the house through the window last night, since she couldn't risk waking up her father coming back in too late. She hoped he wasn't there now. Since she couldn't hear any noise from downstairs, things seemed clear, so she quickly got ready, brushing her hair and washing her face quickly, and packed her bag. She walked downstairs incredibly quietly, in case she had missed something and he really was downstairs. She peeked around the corner. Nope. Lucky for her, he wasn't there. Probably passed out in a ditch somewhere-she had lost the will to care about that. She walked to the kitchen to try to find at least something to eat that he wouldn't notice. She searched through the pantry, finding a little packet of crackers at the back. Goddamn it. She would have to dip into the slight amount of money she had earned at work to buy herself something at lunch. 

The house was oddly still. It looked as if everything had frozen under the morning sun, and that nothing had changed since she was a child. But everything had changed. The house was no longer the clean, tidy home full of love it used to be when her mother was still around. It was fundamentally changed, as if a dark cloud had settled over the house forever. There were liquor bottles strewn all over the room, and the places that weren't covered in stray items were covered in dust. She shook it off. Everything was different, and it would do her good to remember that and not turn herself on foolish fantasies of it being good again. She sighed and walked out to go to school. 

Yuri hadn't responded to her text, so Natsuki assumed she was probably already at school, or just taking an alternate way. She walked to school quietly, not even putting in the cheap earbuds she had bought at Target for fear that someone would sneak up behind her. She was always on guard, and that wasn't quite a bad thing when you were a tiny high school girl walking alone in the early morning. She arrived at school at the usual time, and her classes seemed to be slower that day. It was so weird, it was like she was waiting for something and everything had slowed. When she finally got to lunch, she had lunch with Monika that day. She was happy a bit, for Monika would always give her food (she suspected the other girl knew but didn't want to discuss it with her) but she was worried as Monika had been bringing less and less food to begin with lately. Maybe she was in the same situation, but she doubted it quite a bit as she always seemed to have something for Natsuki at least. She didn't quite know what was going on there. 

When she got to lunch, Monika wasn't there. Well, that just got worse. Not just the food, obviously, but Monika was always nice to her. She regretted not being as nice back, but she had a hard time finding the energy to interact with people like that sometimes. She knew she didn't deserve their kindness since she was always so shitty to them, but she just took it, seeing as it was the only kindness she could seem to find nowadays. She ate her crackers in silence, then decided to just go sit in the library. There she took out her headphones and started listening to music and reading the newest chapter of a manga she loved. This was her favorite thing to do, and she didn't get to just quietly exist and do as she wanted very often. 

Soon, she was in afternoon classes, and with a speed not matching those of the morning classes, they were over. She was surprised by how quick it had been. Then, she walked to the literature club. She was early, which was surprising, and she didn't see anyone else until Yuri arrived, looking like she had been running through the halls, with Sayori. "Hey-" Sayori gasped. "Do you know where Moni went?" Wait. Sayori didn't know either? This is really weird. 

"No? I didn't know it was my job to-" but seeing Sayori's concerned expression, she stopped. "No, I haven't seen her. She was supposed to be on my lunch, but she's basically disappeared." 

"I called her about five times and she didn't pick up. I hope she's all right-"

"Maybe we should just go to her house and find out. I mean, it's only 2:30. It's not like she's going to be sleeping or anything." Yuri interjected. It was the first time since she walked in that Yuri had spoken. 

Sayori nodded. "Yeah, you know what? We should do that. Come on, Natsuki." Natsuki, surprised by Sayori's fierceness, followed her. Sayori led the way, while Yuri and Natsuki were behind her. It was awkward for a little while, they both just stood there pondering what they should say to each other. The situation yesterday had been .. interesting, to say the very least. She didn't quite know if Yuri even knew what was going on with that, and she wasn't sure what to say about it. 

"So... yesterday, huh?" Natsuki finally let out those words. Yuri flushed red. 

"I forgot to thank you for help-for helping me." Yuri stammered. Natsuki hadn't expected that thanks. She had just assumed it was her job. She couldn't just watch someone else get beat up and just stand there. Somehow, she had always felt the need to help people who were hurt or getting hurt, probably because she knew how it felt, but still. 

She took a breath and spoke. "It was just what I should have done." There wasn't much to say after that, they didn't talk until they got to Monika's house. When they got to Monika's house, Sayori rang the doorbell. They all stood there silently, waiting, until Monika finally answered the door. She was surprised to see Monika looking half-dead, just standing there sort of swaying like a tall, thin tree being blown around in a breeze. 

"Monika, are you okay? We were worried about you." Yuri said, having a bit of concern in her voice. 

Monika smiled, a smile that was a little too big for the current situation, it was definitely fake. "I'm fine, guys! Why are you concerned? I'm okay!" She was reassuring in her voice, but her eyes looked different, a little distant. "Don't worry about me. I'm okay. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" She faltered for a second. "Bye." Then she closed the door, and they were left with more questions than they had before. They walked back to the school in silence, seeing as it was technically club time and they couldn't just go home. 

Yuri asked halfway there. "Why did she look like she was on the verge of passing out as we were talking to her? I'm not one to-to try to be mean, but she looked like she was going to just fall down any-any minute." There we go. She had said what they were all thinking. 

Sayori was the one to answer. "Honestly? I don't know. I just- I got so close to her and I didn't know things were like this. Is she ill or something?" Natsuki thought about that for a moment. She had seen her mother ill. She had seen her in the hospital. Monika looked like she needed that hospital too. 

"She looks sick." Natsuki just could say that. She just had that much knowledge, that upon seeing Monika, she had known that she was sick and there was nothing about that that could be avoided. It was just the truth. And they all knew it. But how was she sick? For how long had she been sick without them realizing? She felt like she shouldn't point it out to Monika, as it might be a condition even that she was born with and it's not her fault she's sick, but she felt weird about the fact that Monika hadn't always been like this. Huh. 

They had walked back to the club room in silence, and then they read for the rest of the time, though none of them were truly focused on their books. Natsuki walked home in silence, finding that her father was back to being passed out in the living room. Joy. She went upstairs and stayed there for the rest of the night. She wasn't sure what to do about anything. The last few weeks had just been too much for her to comprehend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to me updating out of nowhere sorry i've been extremely burnt out from class and i don't really know what to prioritize at this rate. thoughts, commentary in the comments :] tysm for all your support even through my weird update times lol


	10. short bits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk

Sayori had been thinking about Monika finding her blog. And she felt so many things. Mostly, she felt violated. She knew Monika was her friend, but the idea of even those close to her reading all of those private thoughts and feelings was.. too much to handle. It was too much to deal with. Thinking of the fact that Monika, maybe even more people, had seen her private writings, everything she needed to let out, made her want to try again. 

Speaking of Monika, she had wondered before. She had seen signs in Monika before. But she never saw any of them until it was too late. How sick was Monika? How long had this been going on? She had so many wonderings, and not many of them were good.

She really didn't feel much towards the attempt more recently. In a small way, she thought of trying again. She may not have succeeded from removing herself as a burden from everyone the first time, but trying again would be successful. She allowed herself to entertain these thoughts, but not to truly consider them. After all, she was focused on other things. She had even noticed some sort of relationship brewing among Natsuki and Yuri, though that wasn't the most helpful when they needed to focus on something. She felt like an asshole for even thinking that. Goddamn it. 

These were just her idle thoughts.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

sidenote : ahh i literally love you guys!! thank you so much for reading this and loving it so much, this has been my favorite thing to write!! do u have any ideas for things that should happen in the fic or maybe even as side stories? i'm really interested! 

also you know who you are. if you know me irl, get off this fic, i'm not going to say it more than once, i'll just block you. (if this is a confusing note, just ignore it lol i've had some issues lately) 

so yeah!! lmk if u have any ideas! :]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i legitimately wrote a few sentences and this was a waste of space but im feeling like sayori in this chapter,,


	11. the day after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> monika is in denial.

Monika was having a time. 

She had called in sick to school yesterday. Because she had fainted. She didn't think she was dying or anything serious like that, but she didn't think she should go to school that day just in case it happened again. It was whatever. But she hadn't expected the club to show up to her door. Why had they stared at her like that? There was no way she looked that bad - did she really look that awful without makeup? Did she not live up to their expectations? She could understand - she didn't live up to her own expectations either. But as she dressed for school, she wondered if she really had done something bad. Were they angry at her? 

She peered in the mirror. Ugh. She put on her uniform, noticing that maybe it was a little looser. That was nice, she supposed. She still didn't look good in her opinion, but she supposed it was a step. As she finished getting ready and packed her things, she put some of her favorite music through her headphones. It helped her get pumped up, and she was trying to gather the energy to go to school and talk to her friends after they had seemed weirded out yesterday. Hm. 

She walked to school, earbuds in but still regarding the area around her. She soon arrived at school, and went to morning classes. It wasn't too difficult to get through the morning. She had coffee in her metal bottle, despite not being allowed to have it in class. Ah, whatever. She had to stay up in some way, she had never really been too much of a morning person. The morning classes passed fast enough. She got a 100% on a test, the result of multiple nights of crying over the study sheets at 2am. Despite people thinking the contrary, classes hadn't been the most easy for her. She used to be terrible at school when she was younger, but through the years of forcing herself to study, she had finally gotten to the appearance of perfection. She had gotten used to being "perfect" and having everything break down in the background, as it had when she was a child. Ah, how she wished her parents could see her now, keeping on their legacy by her constant facade of perfection. She sipped her coffee bitterly as she walked into the lunchroom. 

Honestly, she didn't even know why she even went to lunch anymore. Monika didn't bring anything unless she was bringing something for Natsuki to eat, which the smaller girl always seemed to need. She had the slightest inkling of what had been going on with Natsuki, she didn't seem to even have enough food at home to bring in a lunch to school most of the time. To be honest, she had been doing it since middle school and had no intention of stopping. Maybe Natsuki just cared about Monika for the food and what she could give her, but it was a relationship the two of them had built nonetheless. But Monika had lunch with Sayori, and she sighed knowing that the peach haired girl would ruin her streak of not having any lunch. She knew Sayori cared for her, and she couldn't greatly blame her for that, but she just couldn't do what Sayori wanted her to do. And she even more so couldn't break her perfection.

She walked into the lunchroom, and saw Sayo sitting there as usual. She slid into the bench next to Sayori with a smile. "Hey!" She smiled as she said it, and she looked at Sayori. The other girl looked at her, seemingly surprised by her energy. Little did Sayori know she had just drank half a metal water bottle's worth of coffee, and she was ready for anything. She started talking to Sayori. The other girl had seemed surprised, but she warmed up quick. Though there was a little bit of doubt still in her eyes as Monika continued talking energetically. She even walked Sayori to her class after lunch. It was silent, but it was a fine silence for Monika.

They were in the hallway when Sayori started speaking, quietly this time. "Moni? I've noticed-" She looked up with her eyes filled with concern, but the bell rang right about then. Monika didn't know the expression "saved by the bell" was that realistic, but it had been real that time. They went their different ways, and as Monika walked into class, she realized that she had made it through lunch without Sayori offering her anything. Had she truly been that much of a distraction? Holy shit. She had never been able to do that before. She immediately scolded herself in her head ; she shouldn't be happy about being able to manipulate people into not doing something. She was an awful person. That thought remained, even after she had shooed the whole incident with Sayo out of her head. 

The afternoon classes passed surprisingly faster than the morning ones; Monika didn't really know how the day was going by so fast when normally it felt like the classes inched by about as fast as if a snail had been teaching. That day had been really good so far, despite the still-nagging thought that her friends were mad at her, and the question of what Sayori had really wanted to say to her in that hallway. Huh. Quickly, she was able to pack up and head to the literature club. 

Monika liked being the first person in the literature club. She felt it was necessary for her to be early or at least on time, since she was the president and all. If she was supposed to be leading this club, she needed to act like it and come in at the correct time at least. That was in her control. As usual, she achieved this goal. She wrote on the board the date and added some doodles. She let herself doodle every once in a while when her mind wandered. For once, that was one thing that didn't have to be perfect. It was fine if her doodles were a little messy at least. The rest of the group came in together, which she did think was strange. They were also all silent, which was strange. Natsuki, as usual, spoke first, and bluntly at that. "Monika, are you sick? What's wrong with you?" This earned her a rightful elbow in her side from Yuri, who cleared it up by saying, "What she means is that we're concerned about you, Monika. We want to know if you're okay."

Monika stood there, confused. 

"What are you even talking about?" She tried, keeping her patience when she wasn't even exactly sure what she had done wrong to them. She hadn't done anything necessarily concerning to her memory. She had gone through the same day she usually did, with the exception of being off school yesterday. "Are you talking about not being here yesterday? I was fine, guys. I was just feeling a little bit under the weather yesterday, so I stayed home. Don't want to come to school sick, right?" She looked at them, keeping her steady facial expression. She wasn't lying, but something within her was making her almost feel like she was. She felt like she was lying even when she wasn't. There was a new low, clearly, she remarked to herself in her head. 

"Moni, are you dealing with a serious illness? You could have told us, you don't have to take it on by yourself." Sayori looked in her eyes as she said that, and all Monika felt was confused. She was fine? She didn't have any sort of illness and hadn't even shown any signs of one that she had noticed herself. 

"What are you talking about? You know I've never been seriously ill, especially recently." 

They looked uncomfortably at her. "Monika, you looked sick. You looked like you're dying." Natsuki said bluntly to her. She quickly looked herself up and down. She didn't seem sick. Not a single bit of her appearance was out of place. She was confused. She wasn't doing anything wrong.

"I'm serious right now. What are you talking about? Have I made you mad? Please tell me so I can make it right." Her mask was slipping a little bit, and she was starting to get more upset and concerned about it. If they were mad at her, why hadn't they just told her why?

"Moni, we're not mad at you. We're just worried about you. Please, just try to take care of yourself." 

Monika had had enough of this game. She knew they weren't trying to make her mad, but she had no idea why they were even angry at her and if she didn't know, she couldn't fix it. "Please excuse me for a moment, I need to think." She breezed past them and out into the hallway. She just stood there for a moment, leaning on a wall. There was nothing wrong. Nothing about her life was different than it had been two days ago. She hadn't even done anything since then. Yesterday had been fine, she had just rested after what had happened and then the doorbell rang and somehow it had all gone downhill from there. 

She had never done anything spontaneous like this before, but she decided to just leave. She just ran, down the hallway and out the school door. And there, after her grand run of about the short distance between the main building and the gate, she collapsed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! i'm not just gonna pretend i didn't say what i said in the last chapter. i was not having a great moment when i posted that, and i hope i didn't come off as if i'm crazy or something like that. i appreciate all your support and i hope you enjoy this story. anything you want to say, say it in the comments. i love you all.

**Author's Note:**

> hope yall liked this chapter! lemme know if you actually want more so i can make more, i like writing this fic a lot so far


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